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Department of Neurology
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Department of Neurology
University of Colorado Health Sciences Center
Co-Director of the RMMSC at Anschutz Medical Center
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Purpose; Having a Hard Time Finding Meaning in Life


By Matt Allen G—November 25, 2015
Before I get into this I just want to say, I was originally thinking of posting this on my personal blog but I thought it might be better fitted here. There is a much different audience here and the more I thought about it the more I realized a lot of people may be able to relate and start a conversation which may help way more than anything I could possibly say.

Since 2010 (when I was diagnosed) I have been through a lot in the world of Multiple Sclerosis. I may not have had this disease very long but I am told I have a very aggressive case of MS and so I have not had many “dull” moments over the years. Even so, I never let it get me too down. I always pushed through the thick of it and found a way to just make it all work.

This year has been different. My health took a bit of a dump and this has greatly got to my mental state of mind so it’s been really tough emotionally. I have always been able to find some sort of meaning or purpose to my life and my experiences but I am realizing that I just don’t feel it anymore. Everything feels so meaningless. I feel like I am serving no purpose in life. I know people will disagree and tell me I do a lot of good and help a lot of people just sharing my experiences but for what ever reason, it just has not felt “fulfilling” for a while. I no longer wake up and think “ok, how am I going to contribute to the world today?” and so it has been getting more and more difficult to find a reason to want to get up in the morning and I hate it. I hate feeling like if I was in a coma for a month the world would not be any different when I awake.

Now before you rush to the “Matt, you are just depressed” card let me assure you, I have dealt with severe depression since my early teens. I know the difference between “situational” depression and “biological” depression. This is situational. I am not happy with where my life is. I hate it and I want it to change but for once in my life I feel entirely lost as to how to get out of this rut I am in. I feel like I am playing a game of chess with life and all I have is a king left surrounded by 16 pieces from the other team. How can I possibly survive?

Blogging has been the center of my life, it was a passion, but lately it feels so “forced”, my personal blog has just fallen apart this year and now there are so many gaps in what I never mentioned and the thought of trying to “catch up” is just so overwhelming. I know I should see a therapist but I can’t drive right now and simply trying to get a ride down thee street to the store is a huge endeavor so forget therapy! All I know is if someone as stubborn and prideful as me is finally willing to admit I can no longer do this on my own, well, that is saying something.

I have no idea what other people with MS do and when they do it but surely we all run into this problem. These feelings… Again, it’s not a “chemical” depression, I have been on medication for as long as I can remember and I can’t recall the last time I woke up feeling depressed for no reason, I actually have reasons this time which is even worse because I do not know how to fix them. It’s not as simple as popping a pill, this requires me to change my life and how I interact with these problems. But as I said, I am totally at a loss for how to do that and I really feel like I am no longer the online influence in the world of MS that I once was. I feel like I have no voice. I feel like I just need a “clean slate”, wipe it all away and start fresh, but that’s impossible, so how do people do it?

Have you found yourself where I am now? Feeling utterly defeated in life with no idea how to get back ahead? How did you handle it? I usually try to give advice but this time? I am asking for it, I hate asking for help, but I know I need it. Thank you.

Matt was diagnosed with MS in 2010 at the age of 20, and has become an active member in the MS community, in particular with his blog Matt is an avid traveller and photographer.

Story Source: The above story is based on materials provided by MULTIPLESCLEROSIS.NET
Note: Materials may be edited for content and length

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